Grief · Musings · Victory

trois

Well, we’re here.

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I didn’t expect to see three years since my diagnosis, much less to see three years with yet another (thank God, literally) clean scan behind me.

Three years ago, I felt the walls closing in around me. I summoned up a strength I didn’t realize I possessed. I did not go gently into that good night.

One year ago, I did not anticipate the upcoming year bringing me to my knees over and over again. Watching my mom get diagnosed with the same cancer that tried to kill me. Watching my husband suffer through multiple medical emergencies. Watching my mom leave this world behind. Watching other kidney cancer patients – friends – pass away.

Cancer aged me in a way that is indescribable. This past year gutted me.

I don’t take my breaths for granted anymore. I know I am incredibly fortunate to wake up every morning. I try not to think too far ahead into the future, but as I keep getting more clean scans, it’s hard to not begin to dream again.

The last few months have quieted those dreams.

But hey, kid. Not everyone is as lucky. Right? Right. So I guess I need to keep pushing forward, to keep dreaming, even when I keep getting brought to my knees.

Year 3. What glorious wretchedness.

 

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